“The 5 Love Languages”
Just as people linguistically speak different languages, so they may also communicate their love in different ways, namely through Words and Actions. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book; “The 5 Love Languages: Writes about 5 different love languages. One of them involves words. The other four involve actions. They say that actions speak louder than words. That is true. But it is also true that actions speak even louder with words. Someone said something like this: Love is a dream, and marriage is the alarm clock that wake you up from that “dream”. With all of the talk shows, books and regularly published articles on how to keep love alive, you would think that the rate of happy marriages would be higher in the USA. We talked last week about how easily the average person gives up when attempting to demonstrate love and care to another when that love seems to be rejected or not fully appreciated. Why do we so easily quit? The answers are as follows: 1. It’s painful (as well as other emotions) when we are rejected (not acknowledged) while trying to extend love to others. 2. It is a lot of work. [especially for guys] 3. We may not understand that people speak different love languages. If we talk about the “5 Languages of Love”, the good news is that there are only 4 other languages that we have to learn. With all communication there is a “Sender” and a “Receiver”. The talker is the “Sender”, the listener is the “Receiver”. The SENDER should always consider how the RECEIVER tends to receive things in order for good communication to take place. This is where understanding the different “Languages of Love” that people tend to speak [AS SENDER] and the different “Languages of Love” that others prefer to be spoken to [AS RECEIVER] comes in handy. THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATING LOVE The communication of love was so important to Jesus that he said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love [Act out love in the language of other person] one another.” -John 13:35 Even though everyone may express love in different ways, Jesus said that his followers should none-the-less make sure that it is communicated. It is important to make the effort to speak the primary love language of the other person. This is where I encourage you to become flexible and multi-equipped with words and actions, even though it might not feel natural. Some say, “Different strokes for different folks.” This applies to how people receive messages of love and care as well. We hear it said that we need to treat everyone the same, but this is often misunderstood. It is true as it relates to communicating the SUBSTANCE of love and respect, everyone needs it. But it does not relate to the STYLE or the WAY that we communicate that love and respect. For example, sometimes we need to say things in different ways to different people for them to “hear” the same thing. We all have our own STYLES and PREFERRENCES for communicating love, as well as wanting love to be communicated to us. While it is said that everyone has a primary love language (way of expressing love) it is my opinion that everyone should work on using ALL of the different love languages to maximize what it means to truly “Be Jesus to others”. Let’s look at examples of all 5 Love Languages and how they work. We speak through Words [Love Language #1] & Actions [Love Languages #2, #3, #4, #5] Love Language #1 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION (Encourage people and make them feel appreciated) Mark Twain once said, “I could live for two months on a good compliment.” If taken literally, then six compliments could last him a whole year. Well, it is my observation that people need a lot more than one word ofaffirmation every two months, at least I do. “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” -Proverbs 12:25 Kind words… Speak power… Speak of potential… Appreciative words… BOTH “Direct” & “Indirect” words… [Directly to them] [Indirectly to them as you speak positively about them to others] When is the last time that someone complimented you? When is the last time that you complimented someone else? Example of Words of Affirmation used by Jesus in this parable. “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ -Matthew 25:23 To some, all you may need to say is, “Good job” for them to know that you are satisfied with something that they did. [Words of Affirmation] To others you may need to say a lot more to get the same result. You may need to give some people all kinds of reasons for your satisfaction with their work. Instead of just saying “Well done” you may need to say something like; “Great job [insert their name]. You really did good work with [Insert name of what they accomplished]. You really knocked-it-out-of-the-park. I heard others talking about how well you did. It really made things so much easier for everyone. Thank you for paying so much attention to all of the details. I’m so happy with how everything turned out, thanks to YOU.” Notice that in this case we have [Words of Affirmation] combined with [“Quality time” spent communicating the words of affirmation] Love Language #2 Everyone needs to experience love in this language, for everyone needs words of encouragement and affirmation. Love Language #2 QUALITY TIME Note: for some people “Quality” is measure by “Quantity”. I define “Quality Time” as giving “Undivided attention” to someone so that they know that they are “On your radar.” With Quality time, we acknowledge them. You know that they exist are worth your time. Spending time with another sends the message that their being makes your being better. Their life adds something valuable to your life. That is so affirming. They say that time is money. They say that time is life. To many, especially near the end of their life, time is the most valuable commodity. Never underestimate the value of the time that you spend with others. It is a very valuable gift when given correctly. Notice all of the valuable time that Jesus spent with “The woman at the well” even though it was socially, theologically and politically incorrect to even talk to. (John 4:2-27) “Jesus… left Judea and went back once more to Galilee. 4 Now he had to go through Samaria. 5 So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar… 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. 7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) [They did not give them the time of day”] 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” 11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?” 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” 16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” 17 “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” 19 “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.” 21 “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” 25 The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” 26 Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.” 27 Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman.” The Disciples did not think that she was worth Jesus’ time. How wrong they were. Everyone is worth God’s time. [Jews never showed any love towards Samaritans, They would never give “Words ofaffirmation” nor spend any “Quality time” and visa versa] Quality of time also has to do with “Focused attention.” This is such a beautiful example of Love Demonstrated that motivated the woman to change her entire life. She went back home unashamed because she had be exposed to the love and acceptance of Jesus, the Messiah. “I, the one speaking to YOU—I am he.” (v.26) She heard and received the love of Jesus through the language of the “Quality Time” that he gave to her. She personally experienced the high value that Jesus placed on her life. She was treated with dignity which she had probably not experienced for a long time. The love that she felt from Jesus’ during the time spent motivated her to go back to her city and invited everyone to come hear Jesus. Love Motivates! The woman at the well becomes an unashamed evangelist. “Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, 29 “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” 30 They came out of the town and made their way toward him.” (v.28-30) Note: How Jesus had to call out Martha who did NOT value the Quantity and Quality of time that he was giving to her sister Mary. Read: (Luke 10:38-42) GOD PROVIDES YOU WITH QUALITY AND QUANTITY OF HIS TIME God said: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” -Hebrews 13:5 Jesus said; “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” – Matthew 28:20 Love Language #3 ACTS OF SERVICE (Acts of Service make people feel “Taken care of” and ease the burdens of others.) “For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’… Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” -Galatians 5:14; 6:2 Of course all of Jesus’ miracles are examples of his “Acts of Service” to lighten the loads of others. The greatest verse anywhere comes from Jesus;’ own mouth when he said; “For even the Son of Man [Jesus] did not come to BE served, but TO serve, and to GIVE his life as a ransom for many.” -Mark 10:45 “Greater love has no one than this: to LAY DOWN ONE’S LIFE FORone’s friends.” -John 15:13 WHAT: The greater the sacrifice involved, the greater the love through the “Acts of service” can be felt. WHEN: The Better the timing, the better the “Acts of service” can be felt. HOW: The better the quality, the better the “Acts of service” can be felt. This language can intersect with every other language of love as well. Examples of “Acts of Service”: 1. Imagine the Act of Love it is by a “person of few words” that makes the effort to talk to an important person in the life of a spouse or good friend. You are doing it for them. What an act of service your effort will be perceived. Sometimes this is called a “REAL LABOR OF LOVE.” [WORDS] 2. Spending TIME at the Opera. [QUALITY TIME] 3. An accountant spending money on a non-practical gift. [GIFTS] Love Language #4 GIFTS Keep in mind that the greatest things in life aren’t things. They are relationships and people. That should be kept in mind as we communicate love to others through the giving of gifts. The gift becomes the reminder that someone was thinking of you. Receiving Gifts is where the phrase: “It’s the thought that counts” can be best understood. It’s the small things… “The little things go a long way.” “Small things matter in a big way.” Examples of Gifts: 1. Creative gifts. 2. Money. 3. Self. 4. Etc. GIFTS FROM JESUS A Custom-Made Heavenly Home (a Tangible Gift) “My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? -John 14:2 Eternal life (a Non-Tangible Gift) And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.” -1 John 5:11 Guidance (a Non-Tangible Gift) “He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.” -Psalm 23:3 “Since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” -Romans 5:1 Forgiveness (a Non-Tangible Gift) “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.” -Psalm 32:1 24/7 Access to God in Prayer (a Non-Tangible Gift) “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” -Hebrews 4:16 Love Language #5 PHYSICAL TOUCH (Makes people feel wanted and desired) The “Non-verbals” are important. Statistics about touch… Physical touch can communicate both love or hate. It can make or break a relationship. Example of good and bad Physical touches: 1. Abuse (Bad) 2. Affection (Good - if that is the language of the receiver) 3. Affection (Bad - if it is not the language of the receiver.) “Jesus reached out his hand and TOUCHED the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cleansed of his LEPROSY.” -Matthew 8:3 While Jesus is not personally here to us physical touch, he can work through others. An appropriate hug at the right time from another person, can make all the difference in the world in our life. It can be as if we are being hugged by Jesus himself. UNDERSTANDING BALANCE You will find that you prefer to speak to others in one of these five languages. (Your language comes easier to you and feels most comfortable). You will also find that you will prefer to “Be spoken to” in one of these five languages. The trick and the hard work comes in trying to “get out of your comfort zone” and learning all five languages. WHEN OTHERS ARE “SENDERS” IN COMMUNICATION Don’t expect them to learn and speak “your” preferred love language (as they try to express their love to you). WHEN YOU ARE THE “SENDER” IN COMMUNICATION Everyone has a preferred SPEAKING LANAGUAGE as well as LISTENNING LANGUAGE. Don’t expect others to change their preferred way of receiving love as you try to express your love to them. Love them by learning to speak “their” language. “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests ofothers.” -Philippians 2:4 Look to adapt to the needs of others. Don’t expect them to adapt to you. Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone made the effort to do this? As SENDER, try to speak the Love Language of the other person. (They like to receive things in their familiar language) If you do not as the SENDER, then the RECEIVER might miss it. As RECEIVER, try to accept the Love Language of the other person. (Even though you may want it delivered in a different way.) While it is said that everyone has a primary love language (way of expressing love) it is my opinion that everyone should work on using ALL of the different love languages. Jesus is always trying to communicate his love in all of the different languages to people. Those who want to hear, will receive. “…those who seek me find me… You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” -Proverbs 8:17; Jeremiah 29:13 He is always Jesus to us. This is yet another opportunity for us to “Be Jesus to others". Pastor Dave Word of Life Church 17525 W. Bell Rd. Surprise, AZ 85374